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I had the most terrible dream last night! I was at school going to third period Chemistry and we had a test!! It wasn't so bad but I mean we had just had a test so I was freaking out. I didn't recognize anything on the paper and I was seriously freaking out. Then I went to my next class (social studies) after successfully failing my chem test only to find out I had a history exam!!! It was an essay due at the end of the period and everyone was dead quiet. That was so strange because my class is never quiet. It felt like I was taking the SAT again. Anyway, I had no idea what I was supposed to write about so I was like banging my had on the table. Only, I was doing it softly because it was so eerily quiet. When that was over I went to english class.It didn't seem strange at the time but now that I think about it it does because I have lunch break before English. I'm getting off track. So I was in English and we had desks!!! (it was really creepy because at the beggining of the last quarter our teacher took away our desks so we had been using only chairs since) And we all sat at individual little desks and he handed us a paper and said we were going to write an essay and it would be graded and it was work half our final grade. THe subject was a play that we had read that I couldn't remember anything about so I sat there and bullshitted the whole thing hoping and praying that I wasn't remembering snippets of a different book. Then the test ended abruptly and I woke up.

I started freaking out!!! I got all of my textbook together and started to study like mad. It took me like 5 minutes to realize that it was still Sunday and also that most of my classes had already finished their exams. ...so I sat there like an idiot surrounded by books and then went back to sleep. And that was my night

So yeah, I'm still all pissed at my brother. Only now I feel kind of more calm about it in a sort of weird way. It's not like a burning childish and wild sort of angry anymore, more like an acute smoldering hateness. I don't even know if hateness is a word but I'm using it. If you read my previous entry then you don't really need to read this one because it's basically the same stupid shit only in different context.

So yeah I'm MAD and like not just a little. I mean it's the end of the quarter and I need to get my homework done. I have a project due tomorrow and if I don't turn it in then I will most likely get an F and that would kind of S.U.C.K. because then I'd have to take that class over and I REALLY don't want to do that. FOr me to do that project I need to use the internet so that I can look stuff up and do whatever. So I told him I need the computer. He's on it and is all "Oh but I need it for a project" so I says okay whatever. I mean I know I need it but if he needs it to then sure, go right ahead. I mean if he needs it he needs it. Nothing I can do about that. So I tell him to let me know the moment he's done so I can do my work and he says okay.

I check in on him every hour to see if he's done and he always says "almost". That really ticks me because I know he's lying. I had to tell him 4 times to close the Gaia site because he was playing card games and chatting with who knows who. And even when I came in and saw a slightly informational site on the screen it was always the same exact site at the same exact place. I can even describe the site for you but I won't because that would only get me more mad plus it's boring. So yeah I find him playing games and I ask him what he's doing and well he just stares at me blankly and when I tell him to get off because I need it he doesn't say anything or move. He just stares at me with this stupid idiotic look. AND THEN he tries to fool me by saying he's doing his work when I know for a fact that he's not.

Admittedly I should be doing my project right now and I AM. I have it open, I got the slides I need from my partner, I'm almost done. But I'm so mad right now I don't think I can do it right. It ticks me because I mean I give him some leeway and he goes and takes advantage of it. I mean I let him go for two and a half hours and then I let him go for more and in all he took like 4 and a half hours and he didn't acomplish anything. I could have finished my project 3 times over with that amount of time. I mean I always let him go on enven if it's only for a little but he didn't let me on even once and so now I'm totally loosing trust in him.

I want to yell at him and I hit him because if I don't then I feel like I will start cutting myself and I don't think my friends would be very happpy about that. I care about that kind of stuff you know but seriously, if my brother keeps stressing me like this I just won't be able to take it anymore. I mean I'm trying to be a good sister and keep out of his buisness and stuff. I mean no one wants their sister prying into their life. It's not like I want to pry anyway, it's just that when he lies he's saying that he thinks I'm stupid and blame me if you want but I take offence to that. It doesn't matter that I am older or that I should know better anymore. He is lying to my face, making my grades drop, annoying the hell out of me, and walking all over me when I try to be nice. I mean I SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!! I should know not to let him do this shit to me I should know when to put him back in his place and I should know when to exersize my rights at his older sister!!!!!!!!!

MAN!!!! I feel like such a stupid little kid!!!! I'm like jelouse and angry and all that other stupid stuff and I don't even have a valid reason!!! That fact alone is enough to get me boiling. I mean usually I don't care and I just let it go without much fuss so this kind of gets to me. Okay I must sound like a rambling idiot by now and frankly I FEEL LIKE ONE.

My brother joined Gaia recently and well he's like on it all the time. I mean he's ALWAYS bugging me to get off the computer and stuff and it drives me nuts. It's to the point where I want to strangle him. I mean I don't know why but something about my brother just annoys me. I don't know what it is and I know it's really bad because I'm his sister and all but REALLY!!! I only have to see hjim and aI just get that kind of pissed off feeling. If it was someone at school I would just avoid that person but it's my BROTHER and I have to actually live with him.

So when I'm on the internet doing minutes (because I'm the secretary for this group thing) sometimes I go on to check what's going on at Gaia or some other sites and he'll just kind of come up behind me all smug like and be "wheren't you going to do your minutes?" I mean it's bad enough that whenever I see him I get mad for no reason but when he acts all superior like that I could just strangle him. But then my parents would be all "you should know better because you are older" and "he was just reminding you" and it kills me. I mean I was raised so that it's like impossible for me to do all the stuff I SHOULD be able to do like beat on my little brother when he deserves it and it SUCKS!!! I mean I could just sock him and he would totally deserve it but I wouldn't because I'm too damn moral. And ity's not like he couldn't take it because he may be 3 years younger than me but he's taller than me and I know he can take a hit but then he'd be a sissy and tell my parents and I'D be the one to take tha fall.

That's not all, he is also talking with my best friend. Okay here's where the childish foolish stupid stuff comes in so if you are going to diss me or anything on it then just skip it because I feel bad enough as it is for being this childish. So my brother's talking with my best friend on Gaia and I don't know why it get to me as much as it does but it REALLY does. I can't make it stop either. I mean it feels like he;s muscling in on my territory, like he's pushing his way into my world. And here's the truth of it I DON'T WANT HIM THERE!!!! Not his name not his face nothing. I can't help it but the only way I know to not get constantly mad at him is to avoid him. So at first he was in my room all the time and I would yell at him to get out but that didn't work and my parents got on my case about that. So I went and talked to my friends on the phone which was good for a while but then he starts listening in on my conversations and I had to find something new. Then I went to the internet and joined some sites and that helped. I got to chat with friends and he was nowhere in sight. Then he joins and it bugs me a bit because he cuts into my internet time but I try to be civilized about it and don't mention it. I let it go. Then he starts commenting on my profile and he "looks in on me" when I'm chatting with my friends and he COMMENTS about my chats on my PUBLIC profile!!!!!!!!! I TRIED avoiding him and I tried to be civilized and I would have just ignored him if he stayed out of my way but NOOOOOOOOO he has to get all in my face about it!!!! And now he's going and kicking me off the computer to talk with MY friends!

Do you know how that can make a person feel? I mean I don't have anything against my friend. I totally trust her because I know her and that's not really the point anyway. The point is I knew how I reacted badly to him so I stayed away but HE has to come prancing into my world where I DON'T WANT HIM!!!!!!!!!!

I feel childish for being jelouse of him talking to my friends. I feel stupid for letting it get to me. I feel mad because he got to stay home because he was tired from staying up all night on the internet. I'm just so mad right now I don't know what to do.

My dad got me a new shooting glove. It's really nice and it's so cool and I really apreciate it. The only thing that makes it reall odd is that it's like a SMALL and my hand fits a Medium or up. It was such a tight squeeze and it was a little odd at first.

I don't mind shooting with it that much bot OMFG!!!! It's so tight that after shooting 40 minutes worth of shots it feels like my glove it like..like........molesting my hand. It's just that tight. But other than that it's pretty nice. It just takes getting used to. A LOT of getting used to...

Today we started shooting double frames so instead of shooting 30 shots we shoot 60 shots. That's like...1hour 40 minutes of shooting. It's not so bad except that I'm not really used to doing it for that long. I totally lost feeling in my foot which was weird. It wasn't like that tingling sensation you get after your foot falls asleep or like when it starts feeling all fuzzy and stuff. It went totally numb. I moved my leg and it didn't move because it was being blocked by something. I didn't realize it was my foot because I couldn't feel it. I didn't notice I hadn't actually lifted my foot. I was tapping it and stuff to see if I could feel it but i really couldn't. It was so weird.

I should probably try  to write about something else other than air rifelry but that will me for later. I'll have something more fun to write about after the weekend....... I hope....

I'm so caffine deprived. My spelling is going to be so off, I can just feel it. You as a reader will have no idea how many times I had to rewrite every word, scrutinize it, and rewrite it just to make all of this comprehendable.

I NEED COFFEE!!!! in any shape or form. I don't care at this point. I'm not really all that desperate, I just really miss the stuff... I haven't had any in like 2 whole days and it's kind of depressing me. I miss is and it's yummyness.

I was so bummed because I'm not supposed to drink coffee before I do my air riflery and I have practice every day except for Sundays!!! That means I only have one day out of the week that I'm actually "allowed" to drink coffee. I say "allowed" because I sneak a canned coffee or something every chance I get. I can also get away with decaf with my dad but it's just not the same. It doens't have that special something that coffee does (aka caffine).

It's not like it really affects my shooting or anything. Well not as much as me NOT having coffee affects me. I swear, I have a really one tracked mind. I missed mu coffee sooooooo mich that while I was shooting all I could think of was coffee and having more of it and all that other stuff and I still shot pretty damn well by my standards. 237 my personal best. It may not sound like much to all you really talented shooters out there but who cares? I'm still proud of it. It's a hell of a lot better than the 92s I USED to be shooting ^^

Aaaaaaaaanyway! I found out that some teas actually have a pretty fair amount of caffine in them so that's how I've been getting by. Drink coffee when I can sneak it and tea all the other times.

Things are starting to even out. School is back to being just school. There is this one teacher though. I have her for Human Physiology. She is really horrible. She treats us like a class of 3rd graders and when the class is too noisy she can't even handle it. She just makes this god awful face at us and calls us "children".

God I hate that face she makes. It reminds me of that guy Petter Petigrew from Harry Potter. I have to see that face every single MORNING! It's really not the way anyone wants to ANY day. The sad thing is, I kind of actually like the subject. The teacher just annoys the hell out of me.

I've also been having trouble with my couch for air rifelry. I haven't been getting into fights with him or anything, he's just a really bad motivational speaker. Whenever he gives us encouraging talks it sounds like "you guys need to get better, but you are doing good for now. But if you want to win then you have to get a LOT better"

It's like he doesn't think we are doing good. And something about the way he says it just makes me feel so unapreciated. It distracts me when I shoot and then he comes and starts lecturing me on how bad I'm doing while I'm still trying to finish up! There is no one alive that can concentrate properly when they are that ticked off.

My dad doesn't help either. He's the assistant coach and whenever I tell him how pissed off I am he doesn't even care. He just ekeeps telling me that I can't let it bother me. Sometimes he doesn't even care to hear WHY I'm so pissed off. And even after all of that both of them still expect me to put my all into a sport that they sucked all the fun out of.

I used to look forward to practice but right now, I just don't know...

I'm not really sure what to say other than I'm SOOOOOOO happy. I'm in such a good mood right now that I might go and do some chores!!!! (Well maybe not that good, but almost)

Anyway, the reason I'm so happy is because things have become so much less confuzing. It's gotten a bit busier because of school and all but otherwise this week's been very good. I no longer have that much guy stuff to worry about and I don't have to do that much homework either. I like most of my teachers and stuff so it's all good.

Just wanted to let you know. (^.^) CHU!!

Okay, here's the deal. I'm confused. Right now. At this very second. And it's totally NOT my fault (this time).

See I like this guy and I know he likes me too. How much, I'm not sure. But I do know he likes me. How you ask? well DUH because he went and held my hand. Okay well that in iteslf sounds totally insignificant but it's not, trust me. So yeah, I like him he likes me, it's all peachy right? Well too bad for me cuz life just doesn't work out that nicely.

See I like this other guy. The one I talked about in my last post. Thing is, I really truly believe I love him (but I don't really want a relationsip with him). I just don't see us as a couple and no matter how I try, it's not going to work. I can just tell.

So here's my problem. There is this guy that likes me and I like him. Neither of us really know how much just yet. I like him a lot. He's nice and funny and witty and he actually cares to listen to what I say every once in a while. And the big thing is HE LIKES ME and I don't mind. On the other hand there is this other guy that I am certain I love (not in a dating lover sorta way). "If" I ever end up dating the guy that likes me I don't know if I'll stop loving the other. But it wouldn't be fair for me to love a guy when I'm dating another. And if I choose to love the one I love than there is no hope for me for ever getting a boyfriend.

It's all sad, confusing, and useless as hell to think about. I don't really get the whole "follow your heart" thing. It confuses me to pieces so I'm going to do something else. I'm going to wait and see what happens. I know, so boring right? Well yeah it is. But then again, I can be boring if I want to. I'll try to remember to write and tell what happens if anything happens at all.

School starts tomorrow and honestly, I can't wait for it. I've been bored for so long and I'm really looking forward to seeing all of my friends that I can usually only see at school. These facts have absolutely nothing to do with the continuing enrty but I figured I should at least make a note of it.

Well a friend of mine has been having some confusing emotions that are troubling her and it's kind of gotten me thinking about my own personal feelings toward certain people. Normally these sort of things wouldn't bother me or even enter my head but it seems that recently I can't stop thinking about it.

First off, there's this guy that I like. I really like actually. He's really nice and I've known him for a long time. I can honestly say that I don't think I "love" him in the way that everyone uses that word but I think there is a very strong chance thatI  do love him in some sense. The oddest thing is, we aren't dating or anything. We hardly even hang out. He doesn't have a girlfriend, not that I know of anyway, but I don't think it would matter much to me either way. (okay here is where I start sounding really weird and stuff)

I really like talking with him. Okay maybe talking isn't the right word but I like being with him. He makes me happy and I can't tell you why because I don't know myself. When he asks me to do something for him I do it and if he is sick I ask him how he feels. I can ask him things and he waves at me when I wave at him. It's a bigger deal thatn you might think. I mean it's nothing really but it still makes me happy. Like how when I'm having the worst day in the world and then he smiles and waves at me and my mood is just....better. He doesn't even have to wave. Sometimes it's just a quick half smile before he turns back to his buddies.

I always get this feeling that we're not going to end up in the same places. It's an odd and kind of saddening feeling but at the same time it doesn't really worry me. It's just, whenever I see him he is doing something and it makes me think "He's probably going to go places". I myself plan on going places and doing big things but whenever I think about it, I just can't picture us ....well, going together. And that doesn't bother me...

Sometimes I wish it bothered me more than it does. It does BOTHER me, just not that much. When I listen to the song Gradation I think of him and I get shivers. It makes me feel, more than think, "one day, he's not oing to be there anymore" and it scares me because he's always been there. I grew up always knowing he was somewhere close and that he would smile for me and that meant a lot.

Well I'm tired and it's late and I have school tomorrow. Gotta suck up to the teachers so they won't give me such a hard time...I'm JOKING!! Well teacher usually like me anyway so whatever.I just feel like I'm obligated to get some sleep before my first day so yeah. I'm done for now.